As parents, we often deal with a child who doesn’t want to go to school, soccer practice, or another activity for which he or she is enrolled. Our knee-jerk reaction is usually to shout “commitment” at him! I think we do a good job teaching our children the value of commitment, perseverance and perseverance.
Or an alternative motivation for achieving compliance might be, as I heard one parent say, “Life sucks. Better they figure it out now.” Um…
In any case, this can also cause conflict between parents, as they often have different views on how to deal with a child who says, “I’m not going!”
Because this is STILL such a common challenge for parents, I would like to share my thoughts on this topic and some unedited, personal correspondence between my husband and I as we faced this issue with our oldest son, Oscar.
Oscar was a child with many fears from birth. He hated any situation in which he felt out of control and therefore not safe. Unfortunately, this happens frequently in our culture, where children are not treated as fully conscious human beings with essential rights and dignity. So our challenge as parents was to do whatever it took to make him feel safe, while also helping him build confidence and security in the world.
Oscar is now an adult, but the incident I’m using as an example today arose from his refusal to go to the first track meet of the season when he was 9 years old.
Oscar had decided that he wanted to join the school’s track and field team (his first time trying out track and field and joining a school team). His father got up early three times a week to drive him to track practice before school. After three weeks of training, it was time to compete in his first track and field competition after school.
But early in the morning Oscar decided he didn’t want to go. I was still in bed (after working late the night before) when he came into my room, Oscar was so upset that he refused to even go to school that day.
So I kept him at home with the condition that he wasn’t allowed to play with his homeschooled neighbor until 3 p.m. I didn’t want to reward him for staying home, but I wanted him to be able to take a day off and not be forced to go to class when he was so upset. We talked at length about his feelings about athletics, the team, the coach, his feelings about his father, similar incidents in the past, etc. Then together we used a mind and body acupuncture method called EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) to relieve some of the anxiety and conflict he was feeling.
He spent the rest of the day playing with his then two-year-old brother Hugo and redoing a five-page homework assignment in hopes of resubmitting it and getting a better grade (which he did).
However, my husband did not agree with how I handled this situation. He said we shouldn’t let Oscar’s fears stop him, but rather use various persuasive techniques to get him to “honor his commitments.” This is a fairly common approach and may work well for certain applications or for certain children. But with highly sensitive, anxious children, this isn’t the best approach.
If we were to do this in this case, then we would follow this “method” to its natural result:
– Oscar will quit unless we force him to leave
– Oscar does well despite a lot of pressure, persuasion and bribery from us
– Oscar can lie about his feelings because he is a people pleaser and wants to please his father, one of the most important people in his life. Oscar doesn’t want dad or grandpa to feel bad. He wants the important people in his life to be happy and proud of him.
What do all of the above points have in common?
NOTHING of the motivation, desire, commitment, etc. comes from Oscar himself. It all comes from external influences – i.e. the parents.
So what do we teach Oscar through this method?
We can try to force, trick, persuade, or control our child’s decisions…or we can view it as a process. We can be there to support and guide him as he realizes the natural consequences of his actions and then asks himself, is this him? How does he want to live his life? etc.
Oscar experienced the consequences brilliantly when his friend M. told him about his victories at the meeting. Oscar was royally pissed. That was good! That was actually positive and part of the process. That was a natural consequence.
Oscar also expressed some very valid feelings and fears when we talked about it the next morning. We tapped into these fears with EFT. Do you think Oscar would have participated in the knocking – which he didn’t like – if his fears weren’t real?
So back to the natural conclusion of this method…
When we use these methods, we teach Oscar:
1. He should do something not because he wants to or because it is consistent with his goals and values as a human being, but because he is weak enough to allow himself to be manipulated into doing what SOMEONE ELSE wants him to do. This is a lesson that will be very useful to him when the dominant presence in his life is not us but his peers. We’ll see really good results from this training when the person he wants to please the most isn’t mom or dad, but his girlfriend or the popular guys at school.
2. Better not try anything, because God help you if you find that you don’t like it anymore, it’s too stressful or it’s just not what you expected. Because then your parents will force you to move on because you made a commitment. Therefore, it’s best to just not try anything new or participate in any other group activities because it’s not worth the effort.
If Oscar had come to me first that morning – before he got into such a state of resistance and conflict with his father – he most likely would have chosen to attend the track meet.
Why?
Because my intention wasn’t to control him and make him do what I thought was best for him. My goal was to find out what HE wanted and talk to him about how his actions determine who he is in this world. And does he want his world to become bigger or smaller?
My goal was to find out what really interested Oskar about coaching and the dynamics of the other kids and how he felt about it. And then address those feelings with a powerful tool like EFT. My goal was to give him the FREEDOM and the tools to achieve the freedom to be who HE wants to be in this life. He’s not who I want.
My intention was to let him make some mistakes in his life so he could learn who he is, what he wants, and the natural consequences of his actions. Instead of forcing, persuading, and bribing him to immediately achieve the desired outcome (e.g., going to that track and field meet), I viewed this incident as more than just a question of whether or not he would go to the meet. No, it was far more valuable as a teaching and learning tool for Oscar’s development into a successful adult.
I didn’t want to raise an obedient child who would be easily controlled by me and behave according to MY values and what was important to me.
I wanted to raise a strong, successful adult who knew HIS values, knew what was important to him, and lived his life accordingly.
And what would be the natural conclusion of this method?
1. He will listen to his OWN gut feeling to find out what he really feels and what is really important to him. Not to the dominant person in his life.
2. He will NOW learn natural consequences for various actions if the payback is neither too harmful nor devastating. Why do you think most teenagers make such disastrous decisions and mess up so much? They had no practice! They were controlled as children rather than guided to find their own wisdom and make good and bad decisions. So they experience the consequences and then reconsider their future behavior based on the lessons learned.
3. He will learn the importance of using tools such as open dialogue with someone he respects, EFT, and connecting with his gut to solve his problems and dilemmas.
4. Hopefully, over time, he will reduce his philanthropic tendencies by putting his own feelings and body wisdom above others. This will make him much happier in his life and also make him less susceptible to negative, persuasive influences. This will increase his integrity and authenticity as a successful person in this life.
I hope this has given you some ideas for dealing with this issue in your family or at least sparked some good dialogue. Let me know what you think in the COMMENTS below…
Rise higher,
blood
Original post from 2009. Last updated September 2021.
Jini Patel Thompson is an internationally recognized expert in natural healing for digestive diseases. She healed herself from widespread Crohn’s disease and has been medication and surgery free for over 25 years. Jini has appeared on numerous podcasts, TV and radio shows in the US, UK, Canada and Australia, giving people hope and vision on how to heal their colitis, Crohn’s disease, diverticulitis and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) using all-natural methods. Her books on natural healing of digestive diseases have been sold in over 80 countries worldwide. Jini is married and has three children, nine sheep, 11 horses, a cat and three dogs.
